Growing Resiliency: Meeting the Needs of Children Surviving Incest
Anna Schroedl, Larimer County Victim Services Intern
A training course provided by the National Sexual Violence Resource Center focuses on how the community and us, as advocates, can help adolescent victims in regards to incest or child sexual abuse by a family member. The full (and free!) course can be accessed from https://campus.nsvrc.org/course/view.php?id=24 .
Child Sexual Abuse by a Family Member
Also known as incest, child abuse perpetrated by a family member can be detrimental to the child, their development, and inflict trauma. Child sexual abuse can include many things, but can be described as a person exposing a child to sexual acts or behavior. This includes sex acts, perpetration, touching the child inappropriately, making a child touch the perpetrator inappropriately and voyeurism/exhibitionism. It can also be showing the child pornography or sexual content unnecessarily. This can be disguised as education, so it is important for us to decipher between what is appropriate education and what is not. Child sexual abuse can also be exploiting a child for purposes of making money, known as sex trafficking or child prostitution, grooming behaviors, or internet-based child sexual abuse like creating and depicting children in pornography.
In regards to incest, it is important we define what family is. This can be relatives by blood or marriage, like a parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, sibling or cousin. However it can also be those who are not blood or marriage related, like a significant other to a child’s parent, or a family friend who takes the role of a relative to the child.
The Abuse
Abuse is usually ongoing, normalized and minimized by grooming. Grooming is considered as actions or activities that lead the child to a point where they may experience varying levels of inappropriate sexual behavior, but not feeling the need to tell someone about it. This is done by building a relationship with the child and teaching them that what is happening is okay and can be kept as a ‘secret’ from the rest of the world. Grooming can also include threatening the child with punishments if they do tell. It can create a bond between the child and perpetrator that can be hard to break and may lead to recanting of disclosures of child sexual abuse.
Disclosures
A disclosure of sexual abuse by a family member is when it is discovered by someone other than the perpetrator and victim, and sometimes when legal implications are implemented. This can be when another person is informed about the sexual abuse, whether it be another family member, teacher, coach, or other trusted adult. It can happen intentionally or accidently and may be described by a child that actually ‘no this didn’t happen’ or pretending that nothing ever changed.
When a child intentionally discloses they are being sexually abused by a family member, it usually happens when a child comes to a decision that they want to tell someone. This can be beneficial in their healing, as they may feel more ownership, but it can also lead to recanting their disclosure. Recanting is when they go back on what they said due to guilt or the outcomes of their disclosure. Making a disclosure takes a lot of courage and dealing with the aftermath of the disclosure can be hard on children. It can affect them economically, for example, a perpetrator being a provider and them and their family not receiving the same income, transportation and care they are used to. It can also be due to others, including other family members, questioning their experience. Pressure from others and fear that the perpetrator will retaliate (due to threats of grooming), along with a desire for normality can all lead a child to recant their disclosure. They may want a calmer way of life, one before disclosing.
Another type of disclosure is one that is accidental. This is when someone else notices behavior, speech, or physical abuse that lead them to suspect child sexual abuse. It is important to note that children are developing and may be interested in learning more about their body. However, as advocates and trusted adults, it’s vital that we understand the difference between normal sexual exploration during childhood development and concerning behaviors. These behaviors may include premature masturbation, or forcing other children to engage in sexual behavior. Whether intentional or accidental, knowing the signs and acting when either a disclosure is made or you suspect a child is facing sexual abuse can be the turning point for a child going through such trauma.
After a Disclosure is Made
A disclosure is usually a one-time event, but a child may disclose to many trusted adults before action is taken. A disclosure can be considered a turning point in a child’s life, where they either accidently disclose or learn that it may not be as okay as the perpetrator may make it seem, and intentionally disclose. A lot of children who enter counseling may spend most of their time talking about the disclosure and the aftermath of that, rather than the abuse (NSVRC, 2020). It is important that us adults respond to disclosures and handle the aftermath whether or not a child recants. Building a healthy, strong and supportive environment afterwards can be detrimental to the child. This can be either as advocates, or another non-offending caregiver. “The existence of a significant caretaker who is supportive and protective in the family system appears to be extremely important in the prognosis of positive treatment outcomes for children surviving sexual abuse” (Gries et al., 2000). The type of response to their disclosure has lasting implications for future healing; our response as advocates and trusted adults are impactful to the child.
It is important that when a child has made a disclosure, that we do our best to minimize the adverse effects. By providing them with affirming responses like “you are very brave” or “thank you for sharing that with me”, we are promoting resilience amongst them. We need to listen to them, believe them, and respond with language that reinforces the strength and resilience they have.
When support is not received following a disclosure, a child may feel a lack of worth and powerlessness, enforced by the dynamic of abuse. Their reactions may be denial and disbelief, minimization of the abuse, blaming themselves, feeling guilty, and revictimization.
How to Support Resiliency
Common feelings in children of incest or child sexual abuse by a family member can be anger, whether that be towards the perpetrator or it could come out at other people as misdirected anger. Confusion and mixed feelings is also common, as they are unsure of what is right and wrong in regards to what they have gone through. Shame and guilt can occur as well, as the perpetrator may have communicated that telling is wrong. It is important that we normalize their feelings, realize they may change and check in on them on how they are feeling and why.
“Resilience is generally understood as the ability to thrive and grow during adverse experience or the capacity to ‘bounce back’” (Steele & Malchiodi, 2011). A sense of connection is pivotal in encouraging resilience among children of sexual abuse from a family member. There are 7 characteristics of resiliency, all beneficial to children working through trauma. Competence is one, the feeling of knowing you are able to handle something. Confidence is having a belief in your abilities, connection is having close ties with family and the community. Character can be morals and values, as well as the empathy you may have towards others. Contribution is the belief that everyone has a purpose and the world is better that you are in it. Coping is how we deal with everyday stress and challenging life events and control is having the say over an outcome of a decision.
With these 7 characteristics of resiliency, we can help support children who have gone through this level of abuse. “Young people who have someone they know is concerned about their well being; provides them with guidance, structure, and information; and spends frequent time with them do better than those who do not have such relationships” (Steele & Malchiodi, 2011).
Our role as an advocate is a vital one; we have the opportunity to be a person in a child’s life that sees their strengths and supports their inner resilience.
If you suspect child sexual abuse or child sexual abuse from a family member, please reach out to SAVA.