By: Amy Butler Angell, MA, LPCC, EMDR
2018 seems to have flown by, and here we are, entering into the holiday season once again. I think that for many of us, the holidays illicit a wide range of emotions, and those emotions may change in magnitude and intensity from moment to moment. Joy surrounding fond memories of the holidays may give way rapidly to grief and sadness around family members who are unable or no longer present to celebrate with us. Facing the crowds in noisy and busy shopping venues may trigger feelings of anxiety, and planning for travel, meal preparation, and gift giving may stir a sense of overwhelm. The holidays are not always a walk in the park, and I think there’s value in remembering that we all have moments of struggle during these days that are anticipated to be so joyful and celebratory. To help us all cut ourselves a break over the holidays, I created a quick Survival Guide to facilitate the best self-care we can muster.
First, as a therapist working with survivors of sexual assault, I talk a lot about grounding and staying present. If the holidays stir feelings of anxiety and overwhelm for you, one of the most helpful things you can do for yourself is tap into your senses. When you notice yourself becoming elevated, or if you feel that familiar heart-racing-palms-sweating sensation, take a deep breath and stimulate your senses. Sniff something fragrant, such as an essential oil or some scented lotion. Take a sip of some cold water, or make yourself a cup of herbal tea. Listen to some soothing music. Knead some Play Doh or Silly Putty. All of these activities will help you to ground yourself in the present moment, and will shift your perspective to your immediate environment. Perhaps consider reciting a reassuring mantra, such as “I am safe now”.
Secondly, when life gets really difficult or feels particularly overwhelming, I find that it’s extremely helpful to maintain some sense of routine. Many of us get some time off from work or school during the holiday season, and while this change in schedule is often a welcomed shift, it can be somewhat destabilizing to find ourselves with downtime on our hands. Perhaps some stability and consistency can be found in promising yourself to wake up at the same time every day, or by committing to maintaining your schedule at the gym over your break. Maybe you can maintain your daily meditation practice, or commit to following your regular showering routine every morning or night. Consistency and predictability can help us feel more stable, even in the most chaotic of days.
The third tip in my Survival Guide is this: one of the factors that makes the holiday season difficult for many survivors is that time with relatives and other acquaintances can be stressful, particularly when those individuals are involved in the abuse you endured, or if they have been particularly un-supportive, absent, or unaware of your healing journey. As a result, setting physical and emotional boundaries with these folks is a highly important skill. Doing some preparatory planning around what boundaries are most necessary in order to preserve your physical and emotional safety might be helpful, and don’t be afraid to say no! If it feels harmful or hurtful to spend time with certain individuals, it is a tremendous act of self-care to choose not to attend. Other boundaries may include:
- leaving the room when certain topics of conversation arise,
- limiting yourself to short amounts of exposure to toxic family and friends,
- promising yourself the opportunity to step outside for fresh air once an hour
- having a “buddy system” with a partner or friend who can provide support at difficult gatherings.
There are countless boundaries you can put into place to guarantee your safety and well-being.
Next, one of the greatest things we can do for ourselves over the holidays- well, anytime, really- is to exercise moderation. It’s easy to overindulge at holiday gatherings, when the eggnog is flowing like water… but if you can limit your alcohol and/or drug use or even better, abstain altogether… your mental health will thank you. It can be tempting to utilize substances as an escape from the stress or the sadness of the holidays, and we sometimes even tend to overindulge when we’re having a good time! But ultimately, the difficult emotions will still be around when we sober up- only then, we’ll likely feel the effects of adding a depressant into the mix as well. Take care of yourself, exercise moderation, and remember, hydration is critical to health and well-being! So please, pass the water.
Number five: For some reason, the way we do holidays in America seems to center around a mentality of “the busier, the better”. Even holiday music speaks of bustling about, busy city sidewalks and the rush of December. We cram in meals and parties to celebrate with friends, shopping for gifts for friends and acquaintances alike, New Years extravaganzas, and our regular work and extra curricular commitments continue to build. Amidst all of the activity, it can go a long way to schedule in a little space for self-care time. Personally, I recommend scheduling it because in my world, there’s a much greater chance I will wholeheartedly attend to the commitment if it finds its way into my planner. So grab your phone, calendar, planning, or whatever works for you, and set aside some gentle self-care time. This can include getting a pedicure, going for a run, quietly reading or writing, or any number of different activities to rejuvenate and re-energize. It doesn’t have to be a major time commitment- just long enough to nurture and love yourself.
Remember- you can’t fully and presently give yourself to those around you if your figurative oxygen tank is empty… so take the time to refuel!
And finally, keep in mind, the end is in sight. The holidays will come to an end. Take it one day at a time, and in some instances, one hour at a time. There’s no shame in struggling- in fact, it’s highly likely that you’re not the only person who is having a hard time in some way.
The very most important thing you can do throughout this holiday season is take care of yourself.
Give yourself the gift of self-care. Keep breathing, give yourself some gentle and loving messaging, and you can’t go wrong. Happy Holidays!